The Subconscious Muse
2003-06-01 - 2:21 a.m.


I sometimes wonder what's happening to me. I sometimes feel I know the answer. I sometimes think the answer does not exist. Like, Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Those answers may or may not exist. Maybe the answers are infinate, ergo, there is no one true answer to the meaning of it all. I sometimes wish I was normal. I'm sometimes so very grateful that I'm not. I sometimes hate myself. I sometimes believe in myself. I sometimes hate Tracy. I always love her. I wonder if my path has been set... if I am walking perfectly along an invisible line already laid out before I was even born. I wonder if the line is there, but I have veered away from it. I wonder if there is no line. If there is no God. If coincidence is the power, the force that keeps us together... making us cross paths. I wonder if I had the chance to do it all again, if I would change anything? It's a hard thing to consider. I have no regrets - but who's to say, given the opportunity, that there isn't something that all of us would like to change. I sometimes wonder if I'm strong enough to break free of the shackles that keep in a life I do not want to live. If I possess the spirit to take from the world what I want from it. Or if I will walk the earth with only dreams... dreams that will never come true. I sometimes think that I'm wrong. That everything I've done so far in this life is sinful. I don't always understand the situation. I want providence. I want to make it alone. I want to be part of the great big team. A cog in the works. I want to be different. A bug in the system. A father. A man. Without prejudice or pain. Right or wrong. High or low. I want to sing my way. I want to walk out of here. I want to walk forever. Walking towards the sun, the moon, the clouds, the God that is believed in. Inside there is a child. Inside there is a man. They fight. They lose. They love. They lose. I don't know what is I seek. But I want to walk. To keep on walking. Until I find everything...

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all words �NFH 2003
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