Belonging
2003-04-28 - Fleetwood Mac


I've been sat with this entry window open for 10 minutes - but haven't written a thing. Lost in my own world - which incidentally doesn't contain anything. I was just staring at the blank space, imagining nothing. It was pretty nice.

I gave my present (a cd of music significant to us) to Tracy this morning for her birthday and she cried. We listened to the album on the floor, it was the most intense moment we had shared in a long time. She had her head on my knee and I stroked her face and hair as songs like Tracy Chapman's "Baby Can I Hold You?" and Barbra Streisand & Brian Adam's "I've Finally Found Someone" drifted around the room. I was looking at her and I got so scared. I realised that I loved her more than ever - and for someone that doesn't really want to be in this relationship anymore - was extremely frightening. I knew I'd give up my whole world and give it to her on a plate. I'd replace my own dreams just to ensure that she achieved hers. I'd never eat again if there was only enough food for one.

Maybe that's the point. That I've done so much - and am still willing to do so much - that we can't be together. If I stay, I'll make sure she's happy. But in order for that to happen I know I have to give up on certain aspects of myself. Which, in retrospect, hasn't been very healthy for either for us.

The whole thing reminds me a song... "You'll always belong to me... but you don't belong to me"

Tracy and I will always belong together, but we don't belong together. Which already fucks up any future relationships. Great, huh?

music:
mood:


all words �NFH 2003
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